My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
