the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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