I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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