I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
