i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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