bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He is an equal opportunity slut.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
