OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
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