She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
