woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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