I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
