I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
