I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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