Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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