I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
