dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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