Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
