Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
