he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
me + whiskey = a bad person
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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