hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
