The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
