4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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