Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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