My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
