I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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