i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
