I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I will be naked everywhere
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
