i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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