i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
