I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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