Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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