I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
