I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
