Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
