He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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