No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
