My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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