your thong is hanging out like whoa
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
