I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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