Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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