so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
