ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
