I want to stick my p in your. b.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
