The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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