you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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