a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
