shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
