so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
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