Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
