dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
