Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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