dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
