eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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