Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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