Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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