girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
