i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
