i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
wanna go halves on a baby?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
i need some magic done to my vagina
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
